News – Page 2

The Biggest Fraud I Knew

One hair-puller’s journey to self-acceptance

by Beth Salmo, M.S., LPC, NCC

Let’s play a round of “I Spy”, shall we?

I spy a stretchy object skinnier than a human egg cell, that is stronger than a copper wire, which can identify both a victim and a murderer, gets lost 50-150 times daily per person, and generally expires after about 5 years.

The object I spy is one of my hairs, and it’s in my hand because I pulled it out. Intentionally. Impulsively. Because it felt good and I’ve done it since I was 4, and I’m anxious right now. I can tell before I pluck it what it will look like, if it will have a “bulb” on the bottom or not, and what color, size, shape, and pattern it will be.

And no, I am not a trichologist. “This woman is a little off!”, you may be thinking at this point. Or, a strong adjective may be used to describe me based on this information. I’m ok with that. I’ve had over three decades to learn all about trichotillomania and the depression and PTSD that have fed it since before I could read without assistance.

What may surprise you more is to learn that I am a licensed therapist. Yup, a bonafide someone-gave-me-a-degree-and-a-license-to-practice mental health therapist. I pull out my eyelashes, eyebrows, and scalp hairs, and have for over 31 years. It started with the lashes, then brows, and then scalp.

As I write, I have a bald spot on my head growing back to the point you almost can’t see it was there; practically no eyebrows; and eyelashes with big gaps in between. I am blessed by long, thick, curly hair – and an unhealthy addiction to cosmetics including brow pencils, liner, and mascara – so I’ve been able to conceal my compulsive behavior for much of my life. Yet I still go to bed and wake up with it daily.

I started pulling when my dad, whom I was very close with, had to have brain surgery when I was 4 years old. I didn’t understand why they were taking things out of his head, and why those things were dangerous, but it was super scary so I pulled my hair out (they had to shave his head for surgery). I found it felt really good tactically, but I knew it was wrong. All the adults in my life talked about how gorgeous my lashes were, so to pull them out had to be the work of the devil. But it alleviated my anxiety, and then if I pulled a disproportionate amount out of one eye, I had to even it out with the other (which, without tweezers, is a game of Russian Roulette), so you can see how this game progressed.

My world really started to unravel when I was about 8 and my mom noticed in the JCPenney dressing room that I had no eyelashes. It hit her like a ton of bricks. I didn’t stop this distressing behavior even after being “outed”. Enter shaming, bullying, and puberty, and you have the perfect recipe for super high anxiety and exacerbated eyelash plucking. I ran out, so I had to move on to eyebrows, and then scalp hair.

Around age 12 I saw an Oprah program about Marc Summers and his OCD. I realized then what was really going on, and I was determined to really work at stopping these embarrassing behaviors. Throughout my adolescence, I struggled with depression and anxiety, all while plucking and doing OCD rituals. I was mostly a loner and didn’t use much makeup, nor did I know how to maximize its abilities or style my hair. Low self-worth became a huge part of my identity and while I did well academically, I floundered socially. I didn’t think I’d ever feel joyful again.

I graduated high school early and went straight into working; got married at 19 and divorced at 23; and decided to go to college while working full-time. I experienced traumatic events during my twenties and lost my father who succumbed to his brain diseases when I was 26. Upon his passing, I decided to become a therapist.

So, at 28, I enrolled in grad school. I graduated in May 2015 with a new tool belt full of ways to help people who struggled like me. I had intensive individual therapy and knew everything. Yet still, I was consumed with this nagging feeling that I was a fraud. How can I help people with trich and mental illness when I myself have contemplated suicide, have made suicidal gestures like drinking alcohol with more pills than I’m supposed to really take, and when I look like Lord Voldemort without makeup on?

I worked hard throughout grad school and after, with my clinical supervisor Paul, to explore these concerns. It turns out, people with mental health issues can actually be really awesome therapists! We understand what it feels like to constantly be looking for “happiness” (in quotes because happiness is not what many want it to be, a topic for another day); to want to take any measure possible to make the pain go away; to agonize for hours a day about your appearance and then feel guilty about that perceived vanity.

It’s been 4 years since I became a newly minted therapist and I still sometimes question my efficacy. But then the teen with the severe trauma history paints me a picture and says how wonderful I am; the young woman with chronic, debilitating illness smiles and laughs for the first time in a week; and the man who has been riddled with terrifying memories of combat has an aha! moment when he realizes someone “gets it”.

Remember, feelings are not always truthful. You may feel ugly; you may feel incapable; you may feel stupid or fat or any other number of unsavory things… but that doesn’t mean you are. Change your thoughts, choose a different behavior, change your life. In my case, that means I still pull my hair out, but I no longer let it define me. Trich is a part of me, but it no longer has to be my brooding, gothic identity. I can integrate it into my practice, to help foster empathy.

Whereas I used to spy a little girl who felt worthless and terrified her daddy would die, I now see a 30-something whose father passed nearly a decade ago, yet she is still able to function and help others along the way. I spy something that requires bravery, belongs to most children, is invisible, moves mountains, and starts with the letter “R”. That, my friends, is what we call resilience and being absolutely fabulous.

How can you be fabulous today?

Beth Salmo works actively as a mental health therapist and is a St. Louis native. In her free time, she enjoys time with her boyfriend in southern IL; exploring the country and outdoors; and visiting with family. Beth loves animals and enjoys spending time with her 11 year-old Maine Coon, Clover Lily, and adolescent cat with cerebellar hypoplasia, Poppy Rose. Beth hopes to open a part-time private practice supporting veterans, law enforcement professionals, and first responders, as well as fostering and bottle-feeding kittens soon.

Postpartum Mental Health

by Katie S. Frauenfelder, MA, PLPC, NASM CPT

Society leads you to believe that having a baby should be one of the happiest times in your life, and for some it is. However, according to the American Psychological Association, one in seven women will experience some form of postpartum mental health issue.

While I was aware of my predisposition to becoming a statistic in this category since I have suffered from mental illness most of my adult life, I admittedly wasn’t as prepared as I should have been. While hindsight is 20/20, my goal now is to use my experience to help other moms or moms-to-be who may be at risk or are currently suffering.

woman pushing baby carriage illustration

While every individual is unique and no two people experience mental health struggles the same, my hope is that at least one of the following tips will be helpful to someone in some way.

Devise a plan regarding your psychotropic medications

If you take a prescription drug to manage your mental illness, I cannot stress this enough: do NOT go off your meds cold turkey. This is not only dangerous, but depending on what medications you are on, can be life-threatening. If you are thinking about trying to get pregnant, make an appointment with your doctor beforehand to discuss your options in managing your mental health.

If you find out you are pregnant, make an immediate appointment with your prescribing doctor. Depending on the medication you are on, you may be advised to taper off or decrease the dosage for the safety of the baby. With that being said, the good news is there are currently many medications that are safe to take while pregnant. You and your doctor can discuss the risks and outweigh the pros and cons of remaining on your meds.

Talk to your doctor about what your mental health and medication management will look like after the baby is born, especially if you are thinking about breastfeeding. Remember, your health and safety should be taken into account the same as the baby’s, and if mom isn’t healthy, the baby won’t be either.

Create a support system early on

Whether it be friends, family, neighbors, doctors, your therapist, co-workers, or a combination, make sure to have a list of people you can count on or can reach out to should you need them.

Knowing who these people are early on can save you time and take out some of the guesswork when time comes for you to need them.

Utilize your support system

If you’re anything like me, you may have a stubborn side (shout out to my dad, grandpa, and my German genes!). While this can be useful in other areas of your life, I can tell you from experience it is anything but post-baby.

Whether it’s a sense of pride in wanting to do everything yourself, not wanting to bother anyone, or just assuming you can juggle it all, having a baby “takes a village” as they say, and you don’t have to tackle it all alone. Your mother-in-law offers to make dinner? Take her up on it! A neighbor offers to clean your house? Let her. Your partner urges you to leave your baby with him or her so you can check in with your therapist? Don’t question it!

The more you take advantage of the people in your life who want to help you, the healthier you and your baby will be.

Pay attention to what is healthy for yourself and your baby

If you haven’t yet noticed that everyone has an opinion, there will be no denying it once you are pregnant or have a baby. Everyone knows exactly what you or your baby need solely because it worked for them, or they read it from some mommy blogger.

Want some unsolicited advice from this mom? (I hope you’re shaking your head “no”, but if not, we’ll get to that in tip #6). My advice is this: don’t take anyone else’s advice! Each and every baby is different, as is each baby’s mom. Even though your friend may tell you that perfectly swaddling your baby in a cashmere blanket before nursing him and turning on his combination humidifier/sound machine while incorporating the Ferber Method is the only way to ensure your baby will sleep soundly through the night, it’s not. Most of the time people are well-intentioned, and hope that since something worked for them, it may work for you, too.

The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Every situation is unique and should be treated as such. The biggest offender in this category, in my opinion, is the topic of breastfeeding. It’s a hot button issue that some feel passionately about. While there is no doubt that breastfeeding has its many benefits, it is not the only way to provide your baby with nutrition. Some women choose not to or are unable to do so and you know what? That’s ok!

You need to do what is best given your situation and try not to fixate on the sometimes harsh opinions of others. So try not to feel guilty about needing to do something that seems to go against the grain. Chances are there are plenty of other moms in your same boat but are afraid to admit it.

Unplug a bit from social media

I know this one can be tough, especially during those late night feedings and wanting a distraction. I’m not suggesting you get rid of it altogether, (but if you do, I’m totally supportive of it!) I’m just suggesting you try to scale back.

While going through the rollercoaster ride of emotions post-baby, it can be easy to exacerbate those emotions by seeing everyone’s “highlight reel”. Seeing a pic of that mom who gave birth around the same time as you already back to her pre-baby body, or even worse, reading that her “perfect” baby is already sleeping through the night and never cries (eye roll) can be enough to send your insecurities soaring.

There are actually apps focused on helping you manage your screen time (yes, the irony!) A few of these include Moment, BreakFree, and AppDetox.

It is ok to say “no”

As a people pleaser myself, I know how tough this one can be. We don’t want to take the risk of offending someone, hurting their feelings, or making them feel uncomfortable. But where does being so concerned about others leave you? On the back burner. The sooner you set boundaries, the easier it will be long-term.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, especially when it involves your baby (i.e. having your cousin’s snotty-nosed kid hold him), it is perfectly ok to say “no”. And if someone gets offended by it? That’s their problem.

Try not to immediately take on too much

Going back to that “hindsight is 20/20” realization, I still shake my head when I think back to five years ago when 10 weeks after my daughter was born, I went back to both work and graduate school full-time — all while having a colicky infant who never slept. For some, that would be no problem, but for me? It was a recipe for disaster. That being said, be realistic with yourself about what you are capable of handling. Personally speaking, knowing how I tend to operate, it probably would have been more realistic for me to ease back into everything gradually versus jumping back into my obligations headfirst at once.

There is a major adjustment period that goes along with having a baby, and it is important to remember that the world won’t end if you decide you need some time before returning to your regular tasks and duties. If you do find yourself having bitten off more than you can chew, you do have options. You can go back to #3 in this list, or figure out a way to scale it back a bit. Is there a way to lighten your job’s workload or work part-time for a period of time? Is there a possibility of hiring a housekeeper to help keep up with the household chores? Can you hire a babysitter if you want to run errands solo, or have a date night with your partner?

Take some time to think about what you might realistically be able to work out in order to alleviate some of your stress.

Practice self-care

Self-care is such a hot topic these days, and one in which there are many interpretations. The bottom line is: self-care can refer to anything you want it to, as long as the premise aligns with the title: taking care of yourself.

Whether it is five minutes or an hour and five minutes, it is important to practice this daily. This can include: meditating, taking a bubble bath, going for a leisurely stroll, catching up with an old friend on the phone, or reading a chapter or two of a new book while drinking coffee. It can be anything that makes you feel good, and should be incorporated into your life on a regular basis.

Be aware of warning signs

While it can be difficult to recognize the signs and symptoms of your mental health being in jeopardy, it is extremely important to try your best to do so.

The earlier you are able to notice the signs, the easier it is to tackle. For example, if you notice your anxiety is consistently amping up with each passing day, it’s time to reassess. Do I need to call my doctor for a possible medication change? Am I taking on too much at work? Am I using my support system?

Nobody knows you better than you, so be honest with yourself if you start feeling out of whack.

Do not be afraid to reach out for help

If you’ve tried the above mentioned tips and still find yourself struggling, it’s ok to ask for more support. Luckily there are so many great resources at our fingertips. Many areas have therapists, support groups, or IOP programs specializing in postpartum related issues.

Another great resource is Postpartum Support International. It is a wonderful organization designed to support, educate, and give local resource information.

If you find yourself in a crisis or feel you could be a danger to yourself or your baby, please either text HOME to 741741, call 9-1-1, or go to your nearest emergency room.

Remember, help is always available and you are never alone.

Suicide Warning Signs for Parents of Teens

By Katie S. Frauenfelder, MA, PLPC, NASM CPT

Earlier this week news broke that Dr. Jeremy Richman, father of 6-year old Sandy Hook shooting victim Avielle Richman, died by suicide. Richman’s death comes less than a week after Parkland shooting survivors Sydney Aiello and Calvin Desir both died by suicide.

While it is uncertain as to whether these suicides were related to the mass shootings of Sandy Hook and Parkland, it does bring light to the effects trauma can have on survivors. It is also important to remember that trauma victims are just part of the population at risk for suicide, and that no one person is immune.

One such population specifically on the rise is teenagers. There are many factors that contribute to this, but it is important to know that regardless, teen suicide is preventable. As a parent, it is crucial that you are able to identify risk factors and warning signs.

Risk Factors Include:

Having a mental illness
History of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
Substance abuse
Having a medical issue
Bullying
Loss of loved one
Dissolution of a relationship or friendship
Confusion surrounding sexuality or sexual orientation
Family history of mental illness or suicide

Warning Signs Include:

Talking about suicide
Withdrawing from social situations
Hostility and aggression
Losing interest in things once loved
Mood swings
Feeling hopeless or worthless
Change in normal routine, including sleeping or eating patterns
Engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors
Giving away prized possessions
Increased use of alcohol and/or drugs

As a parent, there are steps you can take to protect your teen. Here are some examples and suggestions:

Communicate. Ask your teen to talk to you about his/her feelings and struggles, and truly listen.
Don’t be dismissive of your teen’s problems. When your teen reports a problem, reassure him/her of your love, and that you are there to help in any way you can.
Seek the help of a professional. Whether that be a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist, it is important your child is seen by an expert in the field of mental health.
Discourage isolation. Encourage your teen to engage and spend time with loved ones.
Promote a healthy lifestyle. Be a role model for your teen in terms of living a healthy, balanced life. If your child sees you engaging in good-for-you habits, he or she will be more likely to follow suit.
If you see something, say something. If you notice your child acting differently than normal, don’t wait for him/her to approach you. Ask your teen what is wrong, and offer your help.

If you or a loved one needs immediate help, call 911, your local emergency number, or a suicide hotline number such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).

Is It Really Just a Hobby?

By Andy Conrad

The word hobby is such an interesting word. It sounds like a casual afterthought, a nickname, or an abbreviated word that did not get a proper send-off. It makes me think it could be an inferior mode of transportation in Britain. Whatever you may think of its construction as a word, and in the context of our society, a hobby is often defined as something you do to bide your time before you go do more important things– like work.

man playing guitar — Hobbies bolster our existence and pursuit of greater meaning.

Hobbies are incurably deemed a waste of time. Have you ever encountered the sentiment that a hobby will likely get you nowhere? I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “It’s just a hobby.” The word hobby is tossed around to either minimize, compartmentalize, or rationalize an activity that rarely has a dollar sign attached to the front.

In a clinical setting and in everyday life, I caution those who throw that term around because our society tends to turn passions, purpose, and inspiration into elements which are inferior. In fact, hobbies bolster our existence and pursuit of greater meaning. This does not mean that passions are not work or cannot be work, but when one uses the word hobby, it is automatically relegated to a realm of dispensability.

When you hear the word hobby, simply consider what is behind that word and what a hobby might mean to someone, or yourself. It might be the one thing that gives that person’s life purpose or tethers him or her the world at large. Hobbies are not throwaway items, they speak to a person’s soul and speak from a person’s soul. A hobby can be a spiritual experience, mindfulness in the informal sense, one’s identity, an escape, a coping skill, or place of peace. Hobbies are the things that often bring not a single cent or accolades or even a pat on the back, but they make up a considerable part of what is amazing about people– their will to explore. Fear the hobby!

How to Bring an End To Eating Disorder Stigma

By Katie Frauenfelder, MA, PLPC, NASM CPT

Now that this year’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week has ended, so will many of the posts, articles, and shared personal stories designed to shed light on this devastating disease.

While it is amazing to see so many people passionate in their quest to bring awareness to the disorder, why end the conversation here?

Instead of limiting it to one designated week a year, let’s keep the discussions going, and bring an end to eating disorder stigma and diet culture once and for all.

There are a variety of ways we can effectively do this, and most do not require a social media platform. Rather, they require us to begin opposing anyone or anything that may promote or reinforce disordered thoughts around food, exercise, and body image.

EXAMPLES

Your friend tells you she needs to go to the gym to counteract pizza night last night?
Tell her that exercise should never be a punishment, and that any and all food is ok in moderation.
Those magazines that give unrealistic depictions of what the “perfect” body looks like? Don’t buy them.

Friends make flippant comments about how they “wish” they had the willpower to have anorexia?
Tell them that similar to other medical conditions such as cancer or heart disease, eating disorders are not a choice.

That store that makes you feel as though your worth is based on the size of their clothing? Quit shopping there.
Start educating yourself on the difference between experts in the fields of fitness and nutrition, and “experts” that play or look the part.
Instead of praising our kids for their looks, let’s remind them how smart, funny, kind, helpful, brave, and fun they are.

While these examples include seemingly small acts, it is these seemingly small acts that will eventually lead to the bigger picture of eradicating the stigma surrounding eating disorders, and the toxic diet culture that can lead to them.

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