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Tips for Connecting with Your Child Through Play

Father and baby playing — Play has many positive impacts on the developing child.

It’s summertime now, which presents lots of opportunities for family bonding! When parents are truly present with their kids, kids are primed to connect and play in meaningful ways. Play not only helps your kids let off steam, burn up energy and sleep better, it has a number of positive impacts on learning and brain development. Letting children lead the process during play will enable you to get the most out of your time together. Here’s why.

Child-led play can heal the relationship between caregivers and children. Play can mend a relationship that has been fractured after harsh words were spoken or another power struggle ended in tears. In play, there are opportunities for a caregiver to offer loving eye-contact and touch which improves the bond on many levels as well as model positive non-verbal communication. It provides opportunities to recognize a child’s strengths and praise them for behaviors the caregiver wants to see more of. A caregiver might say for example, “Wow, you are giving a lot of attention to that baby doll and making sure she has everything she needs just like you do with your sister,” or “You kept going until you got it even though there were some tricky parts!” Empowering children through child-led play can create a secure feeling with caregivers, which is foundational to psychological well being.

Play builds a more confident child. When an adult follows a child’s lead in play, it empowers them with leadership skills and teaches them to trust in the merit and accuracy of their ideas. Kids are frequently corrected and taught things in the course of a given day. When we give them the time and space to explore and create without correction, they start to trust their inner voice and not question their worth.

Play builds trust and buy-in. When caregivers want children to follow instructions or be flexible with plans, they need the child to buy in to the process. In a given day, consider the ratio of times adults ask children to follow their instructions vs. the times they are allowed to choose and lead. When we tip the scales in their favor for a period of time, they are more likely to reciprocate when it comes time for caregivers to ask children to respect their limits. It might help to think of this time together as a downpayment on the trust you will need to draw upon when conflicts inevitably arise. The bond that child-led play affords will enable you to appeal to your child’s higher thinking/rational part of the brain rather than getting their instinctual response (tantrum/fight or flight/lower brain) when they can’t have what they want right away.

Play can be a mindful experience for children and caregivers. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor Emeritus of Medicine and the creator of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” We have a lot to learn from children about being fully open to the present moment and being less judgmental. They are usually far better at this than adults. Consider that children usually don’t have a head full of swirling thoughts about all the things they need to do. When they are coloring, it is fully about the coloring. When you join with a child and get lost in play, you are teaching a great coping skill – living in the here and now. When you play, you can recognize the mountain of responsibilities on your plate and the nagging thoughts that come with them. You can consciously put them on the shelf for a period of time and accept they will be there when you are finished playing. You will be modeling self-care.

Tips for Child-Led Play:

Take on the role of a sportscaster (minus the funny voice). Describe out loud what you see your child doing. Not only will this improve your child’s vocabulary, it will also communicate that you find your child and their play interesting! Your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language should communicate excitement and focus on the actions you see playing out. For example, “The red one is being stacked on the blue one and… Oh, it came tumbling down!”

Praise the process rather than the outcomes. There is nothing inherently wrong with telling children they have done a good job, but evaluation can be an extrinsic motivator rather than an intrinsic one. Intrinsic motivation is preferable, because it is more sustainable and will carry the learning process further and to greater depths. Tapping into a child’s intrinsic motivations avoids the need for evaluation and approval from caregivers. We use gold stars and sticker charts with children for so many things. Play can be a welcome escape from adult’s agendas and opinions and an opportunity to explore new territories for their own reasons. For example when your child says “Do you like the picture I painted?” You might say, “Wow! You took a great deal of care getting it just the way you wanted. You put a lot of detail in that corner there and added blue and red after you finished with the green crayon.” These statements praise the effort the child made to go after her own goals for the sake of pure enjoyment and creativity.

Let children struggle when they encounter obstacles. Ask questions to facilitate problem-solving rather than jumping in with answers or doing the task for the child. For example, “Yeah, that thing is kind of hard! I wonder if there is another way to turn the piece to get it to fit.” The satisfaction a child gets from figuring something out and resolving the problem themselves bolsters their confidence in trying new things. This is a huge thing you can do to encourage a love of learning and a sense of independence.

Beat the boredom. Worried you will feel tempted to check your phone or bail to get started on the mountain of laundry accumulating downstairs? Think of child-led play like starting a new exercise regimen. It will require some effort and determination at first, but soon it will become second nature. Set a timer so you and your child know when the play time will end, and limit distractions by putting your phone and smart-watch somewhere away from the play space. Don’t get discouraged. It’s normal for your mind to wander, just catch yourself and get back in the game.

Relax and be yourself. When you are present, at ease, and flexible, you are modeling those behaviors for your child. Try not to overanalyze your every move or beat yourself up for jumping in to lead the process. It takes time to learn how to facilitate child-led play. The most important part is that you are showing up and being genuine!

Try To Avoid:

Giving instructions or criticizing. Rather than focusing on teaching your child something he or she doesn’t know, offer descriptions of what you see them doing.
Asking questions. Questions can indirectly evaluate and/or direct children’s play. Rather try to go with their lead as much as possible.
Being excessively flattering. Let your praise be genuine. Children can tell if you are faking it better than anyone.
Minimize the number of limits set during play. Too many limits make a child uneasy about doing something wrong or messy. Limits should be reserved for safety of people, house/furniture, and toys. If you dislike messes, put away the messy art supplies and give other options such as watercolor or markers.
Competitive games. I usually recommend putting them away during this type of play time, especially if this is a frequent sore subject in your household. There is a great deal of evaluation and winning/losing in children’s lives. Play can be a place to explore other narratives.

Recommended Toys for Child-Led Play:

Specific toys are not required to engage in child-led play. However, if you are starting from scratch and not sure where to start, I prefer certain types of toys because they lend themselves well to this kind of play. The following toys are particularly good for allowing children to lead and create open-ended narratives rather than following a prescribed process or having to ask for an adult’s help.

House, furniture and figurines
Art supplies
Play-Doh
Doctor’s kit
Blocks/Legos (minus instructions)
Kitchen and food
Toy phone
Cash register and play money
Dress up clothes: doctor, animals, construction worker, etc.
Bean bag
Cars/vehicles
Magic wand
Babies
Musical instruments
Hand puppets

Why Mindfulness Matters

By John Parrot

Mindfulness has become a bit of a buzzword over the last few years.

But just what does being mindful mean and how does it work?

In this guide, you’ll learn why being mindful matters and how to practice it.

So What Is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of being consciously aware in the present moment, without judging your experience.

You see, we’re often worried about what could happen tomorrow – or ruminating on problems from the past.

By being ‘mindful’, we can enjoy every moment in the here and now.
By achieving this state of awareness, we can enjoy a sense of peace within – rather than being distracted by our anxiety.

What Are The Benefits Of Mindfulness?

So let’s look at some of the benefits of mindfulness:

It can help improve our self-awareness
It’s a skill that almost anyone can develop
Mindfulness can create an inner sense of peace and calm
Being mindful helps us reconnect with others – who we might usually take for granted
Increased confidence and levels of self-esteem
Enhanced levels of energy and productivity
More compassion for the people around us and for ourselves

Note: Looking for the scientific evidence? Then check out these research based studies on mindfulness.

How Can I Practice Mindfulness?

If you’re looking for some easy exercises, check out these five mindfulness trainings.

But before you begin, I’d recommend starting off slow.

Mindfulness requires patience and practice – it’s not something we can master overnight.

So take your time and enjoy the experience.

John Parrot runs Relax Like A Boss, a blog that teaches people how to reduce stress and relax in a busy world. His passion is helping and inspiring others to beat stress and live a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Living with Chronic Pain: How Counseling Can Help

By Noelle Chandler, M.Ed.

Chronic pain conditions are some of the least understood, and most devastating for sufferers. Some of the most common include Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), Fibromyalgia (FM) or Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS), Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and Osteoarthritis (OA), low back pain, sciatica, headache and migraines, and neuropathy, but the list goes on and on.

The American Pain Foundation reports that at least 50 million Americans suffer from chronic pain conditions. While some of these have known causes—injuries or trauma, infections, surgery—others are still a mystery. No matter the cause, however, chronic pain can be incredibly difficult to treat. For example, even when the cause is known, treating the underlying condition doesn’t always reverse the pain.

Living with pain is exhausting, both mentally and physically. The physical pain is often compounded by social and emotional pain—the pain of being ignored or brushed off by friends, family, and even medical professionals who don’t take the pain seriously; the pain of being left out, of being unable to participate in activities you once enjoyed. Individuals with chronic pain conditions are much more likely to experience depression and anxiety, problems with memory and concentration, and increased strain in their relationships.

Medical treatment, such as pain medication, surgery, physical therapy, and other options don’t work for everyone, and are not accessible for everyone. But research has shown over and over that chronic pain sufferers can benefit from mental health counseling—in fact, those who suffer from chronic pain conditions typically experience the best results when combining medical treatment with counseling or psychotherapy.

The most obvious way counseling can help is by addressing any underlying depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns. Whether they came before or after the chronic pain condition, depression and anxiety can keep even able-bodied individuals from engaging in life fully and meaningfully. By addressing fears, worries, and the grief that comes with the loss of physical health, counseling can help ease the effects of depression and anxiety.

Counseling is not a quick and easy fix. In fact, the research thus far indicates that while mental health treatment can help those with chronic pain live more fulfilling lives, it often doesn’t directly impact the level of pain. Still, counseling can assist those with chronic pain conditions to discover what is truly meaningful and important in their lives, and find new ways to live full, value-centered lives.

Chronic pain may be a part of your life; but you do not need to let it define you.

The Biggest Fraud I Knew

One hair-puller’s journey to self-acceptance

by Beth Salmo, M.S., LPC, NCC

Let’s play a round of “I Spy”, shall we?

I spy a stretchy object skinnier than a human egg cell, that is stronger than a copper wire, which can identify both a victim and a murderer, gets lost 50-150 times daily per person, and generally expires after about 5 years.

The object I spy is one of my hairs, and it’s in my hand because I pulled it out. Intentionally. Impulsively. Because it felt good and I’ve done it since I was 4, and I’m anxious right now. I can tell before I pluck it what it will look like, if it will have a “bulb” on the bottom or not, and what color, size, shape, and pattern it will be.

And no, I am not a trichologist. “This woman is a little off!”, you may be thinking at this point. Or, a strong adjective may be used to describe me based on this information. I’m ok with that. I’ve had over three decades to learn all about trichotillomania and the depression and PTSD that have fed it since before I could read without assistance.

What may surprise you more is to learn that I am a licensed therapist. Yup, a bonafide someone-gave-me-a-degree-and-a-license-to-practice mental health therapist. I pull out my eyelashes, eyebrows, and scalp hairs, and have for over 31 years. It started with the lashes, then brows, and then scalp.

As I write, I have a bald spot on my head growing back to the point you almost can’t see it was there; practically no eyebrows; and eyelashes with big gaps in between. I am blessed by long, thick, curly hair – and an unhealthy addiction to cosmetics including brow pencils, liner, and mascara – so I’ve been able to conceal my compulsive behavior for much of my life. Yet I still go to bed and wake up with it daily.

I started pulling when my dad, whom I was very close with, had to have brain surgery when I was 4 years old. I didn’t understand why they were taking things out of his head, and why those things were dangerous, but it was super scary so I pulled my hair out (they had to shave his head for surgery). I found it felt really good tactically, but I knew it was wrong. All the adults in my life talked about how gorgeous my lashes were, so to pull them out had to be the work of the devil. But it alleviated my anxiety, and then if I pulled a disproportionate amount out of one eye, I had to even it out with the other (which, without tweezers, is a game of Russian Roulette), so you can see how this game progressed.

My world really started to unravel when I was about 8 and my mom noticed in the JCPenney dressing room that I had no eyelashes. It hit her like a ton of bricks. I didn’t stop this distressing behavior even after being “outed”. Enter shaming, bullying, and puberty, and you have the perfect recipe for super high anxiety and exacerbated eyelash plucking. I ran out, so I had to move on to eyebrows, and then scalp hair.

Around age 12 I saw an Oprah program about Marc Summers and his OCD. I realized then what was really going on, and I was determined to really work at stopping these embarrassing behaviors. Throughout my adolescence, I struggled with depression and anxiety, all while plucking and doing OCD rituals. I was mostly a loner and didn’t use much makeup, nor did I know how to maximize its abilities or style my hair. Low self-worth became a huge part of my identity and while I did well academically, I floundered socially. I didn’t think I’d ever feel joyful again.

I graduated high school early and went straight into working; got married at 19 and divorced at 23; and decided to go to college while working full-time. I experienced traumatic events during my twenties and lost my father who succumbed to his brain diseases when I was 26. Upon his passing, I decided to become a therapist.

So, at 28, I enrolled in grad school. I graduated in May 2015 with a new tool belt full of ways to help people who struggled like me. I had intensive individual therapy and knew everything. Yet still, I was consumed with this nagging feeling that I was a fraud. How can I help people with trich and mental illness when I myself have contemplated suicide, have made suicidal gestures like drinking alcohol with more pills than I’m supposed to really take, and when I look like Lord Voldemort without makeup on?

I worked hard throughout grad school and after, with my clinical supervisor Paul, to explore these concerns. It turns out, people with mental health issues can actually be really awesome therapists! We understand what it feels like to constantly be looking for “happiness” (in quotes because happiness is not what many want it to be, a topic for another day); to want to take any measure possible to make the pain go away; to agonize for hours a day about your appearance and then feel guilty about that perceived vanity.

It’s been 4 years since I became a newly minted therapist and I still sometimes question my efficacy. But then the teen with the severe trauma history paints me a picture and says how wonderful I am; the young woman with chronic, debilitating illness smiles and laughs for the first time in a week; and the man who has been riddled with terrifying memories of combat has an aha! moment when he realizes someone “gets it”.

Remember, feelings are not always truthful. You may feel ugly; you may feel incapable; you may feel stupid or fat or any other number of unsavory things… but that doesn’t mean you are. Change your thoughts, choose a different behavior, change your life. In my case, that means I still pull my hair out, but I no longer let it define me. Trich is a part of me, but it no longer has to be my brooding, gothic identity. I can integrate it into my practice, to help foster empathy.

Whereas I used to spy a little girl who felt worthless and terrified her daddy would die, I now see a 30-something whose father passed nearly a decade ago, yet she is still able to function and help others along the way. I spy something that requires bravery, belongs to most children, is invisible, moves mountains, and starts with the letter “R”. That, my friends, is what we call resilience and being absolutely fabulous.

How can you be fabulous today?

Beth Salmo works actively as a mental health therapist and is a St. Louis native. In her free time, she enjoys time with her boyfriend in southern IL; exploring the country and outdoors; and visiting with family. Beth loves animals and enjoys spending time with her 11 year-old Maine Coon, Clover Lily, and adolescent cat with cerebellar hypoplasia, Poppy Rose. Beth hopes to open a part-time private practice supporting veterans, law enforcement professionals, and first responders, as well as fostering and bottle-feeding kittens soon.

Postpartum Mental Health

by Katie S. Frauenfelder, MA, PLPC, NASM CPT

Society leads you to believe that having a baby should be one of the happiest times in your life, and for some it is. However, according to the American Psychological Association, one in seven women will experience some form of postpartum mental health issue.

While I was aware of my predisposition to becoming a statistic in this category since I have suffered from mental illness most of my adult life, I admittedly wasn’t as prepared as I should have been. While hindsight is 20/20, my goal now is to use my experience to help other moms or moms-to-be who may be at risk or are currently suffering.

woman pushing baby carriage illustration

While every individual is unique and no two people experience mental health struggles the same, my hope is that at least one of the following tips will be helpful to someone in some way.

Devise a plan regarding your psychotropic medications

If you take a prescription drug to manage your mental illness, I cannot stress this enough: do NOT go off your meds cold turkey. This is not only dangerous, but depending on what medications you are on, can be life-threatening. If you are thinking about trying to get pregnant, make an appointment with your doctor beforehand to discuss your options in managing your mental health.

If you find out you are pregnant, make an immediate appointment with your prescribing doctor. Depending on the medication you are on, you may be advised to taper off or decrease the dosage for the safety of the baby. With that being said, the good news is there are currently many medications that are safe to take while pregnant. You and your doctor can discuss the risks and outweigh the pros and cons of remaining on your meds.

Talk to your doctor about what your mental health and medication management will look like after the baby is born, especially if you are thinking about breastfeeding. Remember, your health and safety should be taken into account the same as the baby’s, and if mom isn’t healthy, the baby won’t be either.

Create a support system early on

Whether it be friends, family, neighbors, doctors, your therapist, co-workers, or a combination, make sure to have a list of people you can count on or can reach out to should you need them.

Knowing who these people are early on can save you time and take out some of the guesswork when time comes for you to need them.

Utilize your support system

If you’re anything like me, you may have a stubborn side (shout out to my dad, grandpa, and my German genes!). While this can be useful in other areas of your life, I can tell you from experience it is anything but post-baby.

Whether it’s a sense of pride in wanting to do everything yourself, not wanting to bother anyone, or just assuming you can juggle it all, having a baby “takes a village” as they say, and you don’t have to tackle it all alone. Your mother-in-law offers to make dinner? Take her up on it! A neighbor offers to clean your house? Let her. Your partner urges you to leave your baby with him or her so you can check in with your therapist? Don’t question it!

The more you take advantage of the people in your life who want to help you, the healthier you and your baby will be.

Pay attention to what is healthy for yourself and your baby

If you haven’t yet noticed that everyone has an opinion, there will be no denying it once you are pregnant or have a baby. Everyone knows exactly what you or your baby need solely because it worked for them, or they read it from some mommy blogger.

Want some unsolicited advice from this mom? (I hope you’re shaking your head “no”, but if not, we’ll get to that in tip #6). My advice is this: don’t take anyone else’s advice! Each and every baby is different, as is each baby’s mom. Even though your friend may tell you that perfectly swaddling your baby in a cashmere blanket before nursing him and turning on his combination humidifier/sound machine while incorporating the Ferber Method is the only way to ensure your baby will sleep soundly through the night, it’s not. Most of the time people are well-intentioned, and hope that since something worked for them, it may work for you, too.

The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Every situation is unique and should be treated as such. The biggest offender in this category, in my opinion, is the topic of breastfeeding. It’s a hot button issue that some feel passionately about. While there is no doubt that breastfeeding has its many benefits, it is not the only way to provide your baby with nutrition. Some women choose not to or are unable to do so and you know what? That’s ok!

You need to do what is best given your situation and try not to fixate on the sometimes harsh opinions of others. So try not to feel guilty about needing to do something that seems to go against the grain. Chances are there are plenty of other moms in your same boat but are afraid to admit it.

Unplug a bit from social media

I know this one can be tough, especially during those late night feedings and wanting a distraction. I’m not suggesting you get rid of it altogether, (but if you do, I’m totally supportive of it!) I’m just suggesting you try to scale back.

While going through the rollercoaster ride of emotions post-baby, it can be easy to exacerbate those emotions by seeing everyone’s “highlight reel”. Seeing a pic of that mom who gave birth around the same time as you already back to her pre-baby body, or even worse, reading that her “perfect” baby is already sleeping through the night and never cries (eye roll) can be enough to send your insecurities soaring.

There are actually apps focused on helping you manage your screen time (yes, the irony!) A few of these include Moment, BreakFree, and AppDetox.

It is ok to say “no”

As a people pleaser myself, I know how tough this one can be. We don’t want to take the risk of offending someone, hurting their feelings, or making them feel uncomfortable. But where does being so concerned about others leave you? On the back burner. The sooner you set boundaries, the easier it will be long-term.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, especially when it involves your baby (i.e. having your cousin’s snotty-nosed kid hold him), it is perfectly ok to say “no”. And if someone gets offended by it? That’s their problem.

Try not to immediately take on too much

Going back to that “hindsight is 20/20” realization, I still shake my head when I think back to five years ago when 10 weeks after my daughter was born, I went back to both work and graduate school full-time — all while having a colicky infant who never slept. For some, that would be no problem, but for me? It was a recipe for disaster. That being said, be realistic with yourself about what you are capable of handling. Personally speaking, knowing how I tend to operate, it probably would have been more realistic for me to ease back into everything gradually versus jumping back into my obligations headfirst at once.

There is a major adjustment period that goes along with having a baby, and it is important to remember that the world won’t end if you decide you need some time before returning to your regular tasks and duties. If you do find yourself having bitten off more than you can chew, you do have options. You can go back to #3 in this list, or figure out a way to scale it back a bit. Is there a way to lighten your job’s workload or work part-time for a period of time? Is there a possibility of hiring a housekeeper to help keep up with the household chores? Can you hire a babysitter if you want to run errands solo, or have a date night with your partner?

Take some time to think about what you might realistically be able to work out in order to alleviate some of your stress.

Practice self-care

Self-care is such a hot topic these days, and one in which there are many interpretations. The bottom line is: self-care can refer to anything you want it to, as long as the premise aligns with the title: taking care of yourself.

Whether it is five minutes or an hour and five minutes, it is important to practice this daily. This can include: meditating, taking a bubble bath, going for a leisurely stroll, catching up with an old friend on the phone, or reading a chapter or two of a new book while drinking coffee. It can be anything that makes you feel good, and should be incorporated into your life on a regular basis.

Be aware of warning signs

While it can be difficult to recognize the signs and symptoms of your mental health being in jeopardy, it is extremely important to try your best to do so.

The earlier you are able to notice the signs, the easier it is to tackle. For example, if you notice your anxiety is consistently amping up with each passing day, it’s time to reassess. Do I need to call my doctor for a possible medication change? Am I taking on too much at work? Am I using my support system?

Nobody knows you better than you, so be honest with yourself if you start feeling out of whack.

Do not be afraid to reach out for help

If you’ve tried the above mentioned tips and still find yourself struggling, it’s ok to ask for more support. Luckily there are so many great resources at our fingertips. Many areas have therapists, support groups, or IOP programs specializing in postpartum related issues.

Another great resource is Postpartum Support International. It is a wonderful organization designed to support, educate, and give local resource information.

If you find yourself in a crisis or feel you could be a danger to yourself or your baby, please either text HOME to 741741, call 9-1-1, or go to your nearest emergency room.

Remember, help is always available and you are never alone.