If you’re like most people, when you hear the word “mindfulness” you think of relaxation and clearing your mind. That sounds nice, so you give it a try. You sit down and close your eyes and listen to a guided meditation. For the first few seconds it feels great, but then your mind drifts off to what you need to do after this or some other random or important thought pops into your mind. As soon as you realize that your mind has wandered you start to feel frustrated, maybe even angry or defeated that you can’t even meditate right. This often leads to a downward spiral of thoughts and feelings until you’re so upset that you give up on meditating.
That whole experience was so far from relaxing that you make one of two assumptions.
- Mindfulness does work.
- Mindfulness does not work for me.
The problem with these assumptions is that they are based on several pieces of inaccurate information. Let’s go through each of these.
- The purpose of mindfulness is NOT to relax. The purpose is to direct your attention to the present moment in a kind and gentle way. For some people this is relaxing, but for many it is not. Either way, relaxation is not the goal. When we try to relax but cannot, our anxiety and frustration often increase. However, when we allow our minds to just be as they are without trying to force relaxation, we often find the experience to be more relaxing, or at least less frustrating.
- It is nearly impossible for most people to clear their minds. Our minds are designed to think, and having many different thoughts running through our minds is completely normal and not a problem. Instead of trying to clear your mind or getting upset when thoughts arise, instead think of each time that your mind wanders as another chance to strengthen your mindfulness “muscle.” Using the analogy of a bicep curl, your mind wandering is like your fist moving away from your shoulder. When you notice that your mind has wandered and gently bring it back to the meditation, that is like your fist moving back towards your shoulder. So, each time your mind wanders you are getting more opportunities to build this “muscle” by completing more repetitions of the exercise. While there aren’t actually muscles in our minds, there are neuropathways that are strengthened each time we practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is NOT clearing your mind, but rather noticing when your mind has wandered and bringing it back.
- The benefits of mindfulness often take 4-8 weeks to become evident. In our society most of us want, or even expect, a quick fix. Mindfulness is not a quick fix. It is more like physical exercise in that you may feel good while doing it or you may not, but either way if you do it regularly then over time you will experience positive changes. So, to say that mindfulness is not “working” is really not accurate unless you’ve practiced it daily for 8 weeks with no results.
So, keeping all of this in mind, let’s go through the same scenario as before, with this new insight. You sit down, close your eyes, and listen to a guided meditation. For the first few seconds it feels great, but then your mind drifts off to what you need to do after this or some other random or important thought pops into your mind. As soon as you realize that your mind has wandered you remember that it is normal for our minds to wander, so you gently guide your attention back to the meditation without judging yourself or the experience. A couple of seconds later your mind drifts off again, and again you gently guide your attention back to the meditation. You continue doing this throughout the meditation, similar to how you would train a puppy, with consistency and kindness. After the meditation you feel proud of yourself for getting through it, and maybe a little more focused, alert, or calm.
Obviously, this second scenario sounds a lot more pleasant, and I can tell you from my experience and the experiences of those I’ve taught, it does feel a lot better. I’ve been meditating for several years, and my mind still wanders a lot during every meditation that I do. However, now I don’t get upset about my mind wandering, but instead just gently guide it back each and every time. It definitely takes a lot of practice, but now I don’t mind at all when my mind wanders, and often feel much calmer and more grounded after I practice.
The real benefits for me though are not so much found during or right after a meditation, but more in the way that I respond to my loved ones. When I practice mindfulness regularly, I’m able to notice when I’m becoming irritated and can pause before responding so that I act in a way that is in line with my values, rather than reacting impulsively. This is just one of the many benefits that people who practice mindfulness regularly experience. For me, it’s a very important one because before mindfulness I often said or did things that I didn’t really want to say or do. I felt like I couldn’t control my tendency to yell at my kids or husband. Now, while I’m certainly not perfect, I’m much more able to catch myself and gently guide myself back to a more calm and mindful state.
If you’re interested in learning more about mindfulness and how to use it to make improvements in your life, we have two online courses starting this month. Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) is an evidence-based 8-week course for adults and mature teens who are struggling with anxiety and/or depression. Body Scan Meditation Course is a 5-week course for adults who want to gain a new perspective on stressful situations, build skills to manage emotions, and increase self-awareness.
