Setting boundaries with family members during the holiday season is a recurring theme in my client sessions this time of year, and I know this is something so many of people struggle with. Whether it is not wanting to talk about certain divisive subjects (like politics), dodging questions about your personal life (What are your college plans? When are you going to get pregnant?), family members giving unsolicited parenting advice, or dreading spending so much time at someone’s house, needing to set boundaries during the holidays is a very common occurrence.
There are many feelings that can come up when thinking about boundary-setting with family members. A few of these might include feeling guilty, feeling afraid to state your needs, feeling angry or frustrated to be put in a position where you have to set boundaries, and even feeling sad about having to deal with difficult family dynamics during a time of year when cheerfulness, joy, and merriment are expected. While these are all valid feelings, I would encourage you to think about the benefits of boundary-setting. Could setting boundaries give you more peace around the holiday season? Could it protect you from potentially hurtful comments or situations? Could it help preserve your energy for the things and people that you truly value? It is within your rights to spend the holidays how you want to spend them, and even though communicating this to loved ones can feel difficult, it is absolutely achievable and can be done without causing a big uproar.
Once you’ve identified a boundary you want to set, you’ll need to decide when this boundary should be communicated to those it involves. Do you want to communicate the boundary ahead of time before a holiday gathering occurs? Or can the communication happen in the moment while already at a gathering? Then, when relaying the boundary, try sticking to simple responses that clearly state your request without going into too much detail or over-explaining. For example, you could say “I’d rather not speak on that,” “Thanks so much for caring about me, but I’m not willing to share right now,” or “We’ll only be staying one night this year.” If your boundary is not respected, you can repeat yourself, change the subject, or offer an alternative that still keeps your boundary. This could sound like “I’ve expressed I don’t want to talk about this, can you please respect that?” or “We could come Sunday instead of Saturday so we can make that dinner, but we’re still only staying one night.” You’ll then need to continually enforce your boundary, no matter the reaction from the other person, and you may need to continually remind yourself that you are not responsible for managing others’ negative reactions or emotions to your boundary setting!
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when they are not well received by loved ones. This boundary setting is also often more nuanced than what is described above and may need to involve more explanation or a heart-to-heart talk, depending on family dynamics, but the above steps can be a great place to start. When communicating boundaries feels difficult, remember why you’re setting the boundary in the first place, the benefits to setting this boundary, and that you have an absolute right to spend your time as you wish according to your values.
I wish you all a happy holiday season and encourage you to protect your peace!
Lauren is a therapist at The Center for Mindfulness & CBT. With a background of studying and working in the medical field before making her transition to psychology and counseling, Lauren is passionate about the mind-body connection and using a whole-person approach towards healing. She also believes that knowledge is power when it comes to mental health and is an advocate for spreading mental health awareness. She primarily treats clients with OCD, anxiety disorders, and BFRBs, and she additionally has developed a strong interest in helping clients who struggle with body image issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. To learn more about Lauren or to inquire about working with her, please click here.
