In my work with clients experiencing grief and loss, I often hear, “I feel like I should be over this by now,” or “I just want this feeling to go away – how can I get over this faster?” or “I thought I moved through this, but I am so frustrated that sometimes grief still hits me out of nowhere!” These are all extremely normal experiences, and many of these statements stem from messages and misconceptions we hold about loss that we have learned throughout our life. For an experience that is so universal, we are often at a loss for how to cope!
During sessions relating to loss, I always encourage clients to set aside the notion that grief happens in stages or in a linear process. There is value in learning and relating to the five stages of grief that most of us are familiar with, however this often sets one up to think that we get to the end of this process and can be fully healed. Instead, I encourage a less structured approach to grief, allowing emotions to be as they are, whatever that may look like. This can often feel scary, however, this approach does not mean that there aren’t ways we can learn to cope, engage in self-care, and make accommodations for ourselves during the waves of grief that come (especially around the holiday season!).
Whether you are experiencing grief in the form of a death of a loved one or another form of loss, these principles can provide practical ways to listen to yourself and provide regulation during times of more intense emotion following a loss or when grief sneaks back up again:
- Grief doesn’t always mean there has been a physical death. Grief and loss show up throughout our lifespan. There can be anticipatory grief after a medical diagnosis for yourself or a loved one, grief over the loss of an important relationship or your own health, grief over a faith shift, or even grappling with feelings of loss due to the recent election cycle. We can give ourselves permission to name grief for what it is, and it doesn’t always have to be reserved for a physical loss.
- What is right in front of you? There’s a reason we often bring meals to those who have just experienced a death. Meeting a basic need is often so impactful, as even these basic needs are hard to attune to after a loss. Grief advocate, Lisa Keefauver, calls the time immediately after a loss, “close-in” time, a time to focus on more immediate and basic needs, and contrasts this with “horizon” time, which are things more in the distant future. Close-in time means what feels good right now? Maybe that’s our favorite hot beverage, a shower, music, or reaching out to a trusted and safe friend. Sometimes, close-in time needs to be re-instituted during days or time periods when grief seems heavier or we feel more triggered, such as anniversaries, holidays, or when grief seems to hit us out of nowhere. That doesn’t mean we are giving up on what might be on the horizon, but in times of heavy grief, close-in time is what is most important.
- Let go of expectations – there is no timeline! This sentiment can feel discouraging at first, as it often feels more settling to know what to expect through life’s difficulties. A more helpful and freeing reframe following a loss might be remembering that grief may not ever disappear, but it will just change as we learn to integrate it into our lives. Grief looks different over time, and its presence does not mean we are not healing.
- Seek support. Grief is a natural process that does not necessarily mean we need outside help. However, if you feel as if you are having trouble coping after a loss, there is help available. Support groups, individual therapy, and online resources are often helpful in feeling validated and not alone. After a death, specifically, it often feels like the world stops for you but keeps going for everyone else. Learning that this feeling is universal can be so powerful. Grief work in the therapy space can provide that validation, and also allows for you to tell your story of loss and find the meaning in the process, as well as have guidance challenging the misconceptions or unhelpful thoughts or expectations you have for yourself when it comes to grief and loss.
When it comes to experiencing loss, no one’s experience is the same – you have permission to listen to yourself and find helpful ways to process and heal. If you’d like support in this process, The Center for Mindfulness & CBT is here to help. You can reach out to our caring intake team by filling in this form to be connected with a therapist.
