Parenting can be stressful. Sometimes, it may start to feel like all of your interactions with your child or the young person you care for are negative, combative, and end up in a power struggle. This happens to pretty much every caregiver at some point. Noticing that you’re in that cycle is the first step in getting back to a more pleasant style of interacting with your child. How can you do this?
Try it out!
1. Recognize that there are no perfect parents or caregivers. When we expect perfection from ourselves or others, we are often left feeling resentful, amplifying these negative interactions. This mindset switch requires self-compassion and taking the time to remind yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes and learn. Lauren Hendrix talked about this in her article a few months ago.
2. Next, zoom out from the situation and focus in on yourself. How are you feeling? Can you notice when you start to get elevated, frustrated, and angry? This is a sign that you can practice some calming strategies, such as taking a deep breath while giving yourself a hug, or grounding strategies such as noticing what’s around you with your 5 senses, or using a breathing technique (and this isn’t me saying “Just breathe!”. Science supports purposeful, deep breathing to regulate your nervous system!). This is also a great way to practice co-regulation and model for your child that it’s ok to take care of yourself when big emotions occur.
3. Then, step back. Prioritize behaviors. Consider if the behaviors you are concerned about are dangerous, disruptive, or distracting. Dangerous behaviors require some kind of intervention, and you should always strive to put safety first. If behaviors are disruptive or distracting, see if you can ignore them – not in a way that suggests you don’t care that they are happening, but in a way that removes attention from the behavior. We all know the feeling of wanting to have the last word and be “right”, but consider your goal – is the goal to “win” an argument with your child? Or to find a better way to communicate? Yelling and anger feel like they might extinguish behaviors, but in fact it can serve to reinforce them – like adding fuel to the flame. You can even say “I’m getting pretty frustrated right now and I need a break.”
4. When you – and your child – have calmed down, see if you can re-engage. Speak calmly and positively, using language that helps them know what to do instead of what not to do (e.g., “Keep your hands and feet to yourself” instead of “Don’t hit your little brother!”). Remind your child of the expectations and what happens when they aren’t able to meet those expectations. Remember, the consequences you choose (positive or negative) should be ones you know you can follow through on. So, don’t tell your child that if they don’t meet the expectations that you will never give them ice cream again, that’s probably not very likely. The best consequences are those that are immediate and linked to the behavior. As you develop or reintroduce rules and expectations, keep them to a minimum and make sure your child knows exactly what it means to follow those expectations. Sometimes that takes practice! Overall, set your child up for success. When they feel like they can do what you are asking them, you are more likely to see them try to comply and then you get the chance to celebrate their successes.
On that note, the final step is to focus on the positives. When negative interactions take over the relationship, this can feel really difficult, but positives do not have to be big. Experts suggest that you should try to use 5 positive statements for every negative or corrective statement. It’s also important to find time for you and your child to engage with each other without a bunch of commands, just interaction.
Remember, this is in no way an exhaustive list of parenting strategies and sometimes these patterns are so ingrained that they seem impossible to step out of. Change takes time and effort! If you feel that you might need more support in this area, reach out to The Center to connect you with a qualified professional.
Dr. Georgia specializes in treating children, adolescents, and young adults with ADHD, Autism, and other behavioral disorders, Anxiety, Depression, and trauma. She also specializes in supporting parents/caregivers in navigating the challenges related to parenting, education, and beyond. She is available to provide consultation and training to schools and families in order to improve educational outcomes and processes. In addition, she is capable of providing evaluative services, including psychoeducational assessments (i.e.independent evaluations). Interested in working with Georgia? She currently has availability for conducting assessments– click here to learn more.
