If you’re reading this because you’re having thoughts about ending your life, I want you to know that those thoughts exist for a reason. They’re not random, and they’re not a weakness. Often, your mind is saying, “This pain is unbearable and I don’t see a way out.”
That part is real. The pain is real. But the conclusion your brain is reaching, that death is the only answer, may be depression or despair talking rather than the truth.
I’m not here to convince you that you should want to live. Instead, I’m hoping this can help you see that there may be a difference between what you feel like you want right now and what is actually true.
The Gap Between Suicidal Thoughts and Wanting to Die
When people are suicidal, they often don’t actually want to be dead. They want the pain to stop. They want this horrible feeling to end, and they can’t see any way that it ever will. They may feel like a burden to the people around them and become convinced that the only way out is to take their life.
Those things are different from wanting to be dead.
Suicidal thoughts can be your mind’s emergency signal saying, “I can’t take this anymore. Something has to change.” That signal deserves to be heard. But the solution your depressed brain is offering, that death is the only way to make the pain stop, is not the only option.
You might feel like you’re thinking clearly right now. Depression can be very convincing. It can tell you, “You’re finally seeing the truth. Everyone else is in denial. This is the only logical conclusion.”
But feeling certain about something doesn’t necessarily mean you’re seeing it clearly. Depression, trauma, and other mental health conditions can affect the way we interpret ourselves, our circumstances, and our future.
What’s Actually Underneath
Ask yourself the following questions and try to answer as honestly as possible:
- Do I want to be dead, or do I want this specific pain to stop?
- Do I want to disappear, or do I want things to be different?
- Do I not care about living, or do I just not see how it could get better?
Those are different questions, and they can have very different answers.
If you’re suffering from depression, trauma, chronic pain, loneliness, failure, loss, or shame, then yes, those things can feel unbearable. I’m not minimizing that.
But unbearable pain can be treated. You may not be able to treat it right now, in this moment, with the resources and perspective you have right now. That doesn’t mean things can’t change.
What Might Help
Don’t wait for motivation.
You’ve probably heard “reach out” or “call someone” before. The problem is that when you’re in a deep suicidal crisis, you may not have the motivation to do any of those things.
So don’t wait for motivation.
Call the crisis line. Text a friend. Go to an ER. Tell someone what is happening. You don’t have to want to do it. You just have to do it.
You need another person involved because your thinking may be affected by how much pain you’re in right now. You don’t have to figure this out completely on your own.
Notice what matters to you, even in the darkness.
This isn’t about making a list of reasons to live or trying to convince yourself that your life is wonderful.
Instead, ask yourself, “Who do I care about? What have I cared about in the past? What kind of person have I wanted to be? What things have mattered to me, even if they don’t feel important right now?”
Those things may feel very far away. That’s okay. You don’t have to feel connected to them right now for them to still matter.
Separate the pain from the permanence.
When you’re in a suicidal state, it’s easy for your brain to take what you’re feeling right now and project it into the future.
“I feel this way now, so I’m always going to feel this way.”
But you don’t actually know that.
You may feel this way for hours, days, or even weeks. That is real and incredibly hard. But emotional states change. Circumstances change. Our brains change. Even very intense emotional states eventually shift.
That doesn’t mean everything will magically get better. It means that what you are feeling right now is not a reliable prediction of what you will feel forever.
Get the depression treated.
If you’re actively suicidal and you’re not in treatment, getting treatment needs to become a priority.
Not because you’re broken. Because depression is a real and treatable illness.
Medication doesn’t fix everything, but for some people it can lift the fog enough to make it possible to think more clearly. Therapy can help you understand what is happening and find ways to cope with the pain without acting on suicidal thoughts.
Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It takes a lot of strength to recognize that you need help and then actually reach out for it.
We don’t question whether someone deserves treatment when they have cancer, diabetes, or another serious medical condition. Mental illness deserves that same seriousness.
Tell your therapist about suicidal thoughts.
A lot of people are afraid to tell their therapist that they’re thinking about suicide because they’re afraid they’ll immediately be sent to the hospital.
Being honest about suicidal thoughts does not automatically mean you will be hospitalized.
Your therapist should be able to talk with you about how often you’re having the thoughts, how intense they are, whether you have a plan or intent, what has helped you stay safe, and what support you have. Together, you can figure out what level of care you need.
Sometimes hospitalization is necessary. Sometimes a safety plan, increased support, medication changes, more frequent therapy, or another level of outpatient care is enough.
The important thing is that your therapist needs to know what is actually happening in order to help you.
If You’re Not in Crisis Right Now
If the thoughts are there but you’re not at immediate risk of acting on them, ask yourself:
“What would it mean to stay alive for another day?”
Not to be happy. Not to fix everything. Not even to believe that things will get better.
Just to stay.
Sometimes the answer is, “I’ll stay because my kid needs me.”
Or, “I’ll stay because I’m curious what happens next.”
Or even, “I’ll stay because I don’t want depression to make this decision for me.”
Those reasons might feel small, but they are not.
You don’t need a huge, inspiring reason to stay alive tonight. Sometimes you just need enough of a reason to get through tonight.
If You’re in Crisis Right Now
Please reach out:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (call or text)
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
If you are in immediate danger or think you may act on your thoughts, go to an emergency room or call 911.
If you can’t make yourself do one of those things, start smaller. Call or text a friend or family member. You don’t even have to know what to say.
You can simply say, “I’m having a really hard time and I don’t want to be alone right now.”
If you can tell them more about what is happening, let them in. They can help you take the next step.
What Comes Next
You don’t have to decide to live for the next 30 years. You don’t even have to feel hopeful right now.
You just have to not act on the thought right now. Then tomorrow, you do the same thing.
And then you get treatment. You tell someone how dark it has gotten. You learn to separate the pain, which is real, from the conclusion that death is the only answer.
The intensity will change. Not because your depression will suddenly disappear, but because emotional states change. Grief peaks and softens. Despair can shift. Situations change. Our brains change.
You might not believe that right now, and that’s okay. You don’t have to believe it. You just have to stay long enough to find out whether it’s true.
If you’re reading this and you’re safe right now but you’ve been in this place before, please don’t wait for the next crisis to get help. Get connected with a therapist. Talk to your doctor. Tell someone you trust what has been happening.
People don’t wait until they feel motivated to get treatment for a serious physical illness. They get treatment because they need it. Mental illness deserves that same kind of attention.
If you’re having a moment right now where you’re clear enough to recognize that something is wrong, use that window. Reach out now, before the next wave comes.
And please know that you are not a burden, and the world is not better without you. Depression may try very hard to convince you that both of those things are true.
They’re not.
So, as The Mountain Goats sing in Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1:
“Just stay alive.”