Have you ever noticed how one negative thought can make a stressful situation feel even worse? Say you send a text to a friend, and they don’t respond for several hours. You immediately think, “They must be upset with me.” You don’t know why they haven’t replied, but that thought can ramp up your anxiety and convince you something is wrong. This thinking pattern is called mind reading, and it’s one of several common traps our minds fall into.
The good news is that learning to recognize and challenge these thoughts can help you manage anxiety.
How Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviors Connect
What we think influences how we feel, and how we feel influences what we do. Let’s go back to the unanswered text. The thought “I must have said something wrong” brings on a wave of worry. That worry might lead you to replay the conversation over and over, check your phone every few minutes, or avoid reaching out again.
Meanwhile, your friend may simply be busy at work. Your interpretation of the situation, not the situation itself, drove your emotions and behavior. And you made that interpretation without all the information.
Common Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful thinking patterns that can fuel anxiety. Once you can name them, they get easier to spot. Here are three of the most common.
Mind reading is assuming you know what someone else is thinking, usually something negative. That’s the “They must be upset with me” thought above.
Catastrophizing is jumping to the worst possible outcome. Imagine you have an important presentation at work and think, “I’m going to mess up, and everyone will think I’m incompetent.” You’ve prepared, but your mind has already written the worst-case ending.
All-or-nothing thinking (sometimes called overgeneralizing) is letting one event define your whole worth or ability. After making a mistake on an exam, you might think, “I must not be smart enough.” One mistake becomes a verdict on your intelligence, instead of what it really is: a normal part of learning.
Skill 1: Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is a CBT technique for examining anxious thoughts and developing more balanced ones. Start by asking yourself questions like:
- What evidence do I have that this thought is accurate?
- Am I assuming the worst without knowing what will happen?
- What would I tell a friend who had this same thought?
Consider the presentation example. When you look at the evidence, you may notice that you’ve prepared and have handled similar tasks successfully before. Instead of “I’m going to embarrass myself,” you might land on something like, “I might feel nervous, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do poorly.”
A quick note: a balanced thought isn’t forced positivity. You’re not trying to convince yourself that everything will be fine. You’re looking for a thought that’s realistic and takes all the evidence into account, not just the scariest part.
Skill 2: Decatastrophizing
Sometimes the worst really could happen, and that’s okay to look at. Decatastrophizing means walking through the “what if” instead of running from it. Try asking:
- If the worst does happen, how would I handle it?
- Would this matter a week from now? A month? A year?
These questions can help you see that even if something difficult happens, you likely have ways to cope.
Skill 3: Use a Thought Record
Writing things down gives your thoughts some distance, which makes them easier to examine. A thought record walks you through the steps of cognitive restructuring. Here’s an example:
- Situation: Invited to a friend’s gathering this weekend
- Anxious thought: “Nobody is going to want to talk to me.”
- Evidence for: I felt awkward the last time I was in a big group.
- Evidence against: I’ve had good conversations at gatherings before. My friend invited me because she wants me there. I know at least a few people who’ll be there.
- Another possible outcome: I might feel uncomfortable at first, but I could still have a good conversation with someone.
- Balanced thought: “It might take me a minute to warm up, and I can still enjoy myself.”
- Result: Anxiety goes from 8/10 to 5/10, and I decide to go.
Notice that the anxiety didn’t disappear, and it doesn’t have to. The goal is to feel steady enough to make a choice based on what matters to you, not on the anxious thought.
Skill 4: Practice in Everyday Moments
Like any skill, this gets easier with repetition. Start with lower-stakes situations, like a delayed text or a slightly awkward interaction, so the skill feels familiar when bigger worries come up. Over time, you’ll likely find you can catch and challenge unhelpful thoughts on your own, without needing to write everything down.
A Note for Anxiety That Feels Stuck
Challenging thoughts works well for many people, but it isn’t the right fit for everyone. If you notice that you’re stuck in a loop of analyzing, searching for evidence, or needing to feel certain before you can move on, more thinking may be making things worse, not better. That’s worth bringing to a therapist, especially one who specializes in anxiety and OCD, because different tools may help.
And if your anxiety is persistent, feels overwhelming, or is getting in the way of daily life, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can help.
Final Thoughts
Just because we think something negative might happen doesn’t mean it will. Thoughts are not facts, even when they feel convincing.
The next time you feel anxious, try writing down what’s going through your mind and asking yourself:
- What evidence do I have that this thought is accurate?
- Is there another way to view this situation?
- What would I tell a friend who was experiencing the same thing?
- If the worst does happen, how would I handle it?
Then try shaping a more balanced thought and notice whether it changes how you feel or respond. The goal isn’t to get rid of every negative thought. It’s learning to respond to those thoughts in a healthier, more balanced way.
Nabeel Manzoor, MS, currently has openings for clients with anxiety or depression who are interested in trying CBT. To learn more about Nabeel or schedule an appointment, check out his bio here.