By Maria Miller, BS, RYT, MA (in progress)
“Like a dense fog, chronic self-judgment blocks the light of our true nature.”
Tara Brach
You’re driven, smart, and compassionate. You’re clear on your goals. You know, in theory, that you have so much to offer the world. So why does that nagging inner voice keep telling you otherwise? “You will never be enough.” “You will never be loved.” “You don’t deserve to reach your goals.”
Whatever it is that your inner critic tells you, you are not alone. Living in the space of chronic self-judgment is so very exhausting and difficult.
There is good news. While critical self-talk can cause harm, research also shows that compassionate self-talk can increase performance and emotional regulation. If we can learn to talk negatively to ourselves, we can also learn to talk positively. How we talk to ourselves matters, and there are evidence-based ways to build the muscles of self-acceptance. Here’s one of them, based on the research of Dr. Kristin Neff:
The 4-Step Self-Acceptance Letter
1. Think of a current situation in which you feel less than perfect + need some compassion. It could be a mistake you’ve recently made, a quarrel you’re in, or an upcoming situation about which you feel nervous or anxious. Take a couple of breaths to settle into this situation.
2. Pull out a piece of paper and pen. Write yourself a compassionate letter, as you would to a dear, sweet friend or child. Be specific, be comforting, and don’t try to fix. It doesn’t need to be long or perfect. Bullet points will do.
3. Put away the letter. Set a timer for two minutes, and use this time to venture back into the troubling reality about which you wrote.
4. Read your letter with fresh, tender eyes after the timer goes off. Savor the words; let them sink in. Cherish this gift you’ve given to yourself.
You deserve to accept yourself. The more you build the muscle of self-acceptance, the more compassionate self-talk will feel like a habit.
If you want to increase your self-acceptance with more tangible techniques rooted in research, I invite you to join our virtual group: I Am Enough: A Mindful Self-Acceptance Course. During our 8 weekly, virtual meetings, you will:
- Broaden your understanding of self-compassion and what it looks like to be more mindfully accepting of yourself
- Identify the aspects of life causing anxiety and stress
- Fill your mindfulness tool kit with techniques for being in the present moment and decreasing stress
- Utilize evidence based self-compassion techniques for increasing self acceptance
- Connect with members of the community on a similar path to yours
